


It's not the best sometimes and that's okay (We'll get there)

by GalekhXigisi



Series: the same 3 donatello headcanons i adore in collection [2]
Category: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Cartoon 2018)
Genre: Albino Donatello (TMNT), Alternate Canon, Angst, Autistic Donatello (TMNT), Disability, Grooming, Leonardo (TMNT) Has Anxiety, Michelangelo (TMNT) Had ADHD, Nightmares, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Raphael (TMNT) Has Anxiety, Trans Donatello (TMNT), no beta i die like gram gram, unfinished bc im fuckin TIRED
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:14:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26456221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GalekhXigisi/pseuds/GalekhXigisi
Summary: If I dont watch the ending, I don't have to acknowledge it.Please leave likes and comments! If you particularly liked my fic, here's my Discord server!https://discord.gg/eGkwayy
Series: the same 3 donatello headcanons i adore in collection [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1923205
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	It's not the best sometimes and that's okay (We'll get there)

Donnie’s hands press against his skin, one coming to the back of his head while the other goes towards the upper bit of his shell as he cowers, entirely submissive beneath the threat of his own annihilation. Who knew just how common this had become for the teenager now depending entirely upon the metal of his battle shell. It’s strong, built from metal that he’s spent a few hefty wads of cash for, even if this shell was technically one of his smaller versions. He hadn’t woken up this morning with the intentions of fighting for literal days straight with no hint of it ending any time soon. 

However, the jagged claws rip at metal like a hot knife going through soft butter, a screech following not too far behind as the purple metal protests upon being ripped. It isn’t the only thing that has its protests about the jagged claws with lethal aim. No, Donnie lets out his own noise that he would probably be embarrassed by if not for the fact that his life is in iminent danger. In fact, he lets out another noise at the cold air he feels flush against the new wound, the noise a pitiful whine as he writhers on the ground, trying to gain his barrings. 

His nails dig into the ground, the rubble from a building knocked over earlier by Shedder’s wreckless abandon piercing the skin beneath it. He isn’t as tough as his brothers, especially not when his body is more flesh than scale. Sheeder presses against the new wound, claws digging into newly-exposed flesh and the air leaving the purple-coded turtle’s lungs. It hurts too much to even let out any sort of noise despite just how hard he’s trying. All he can do is let out miserable whines and try his best to stay still to avoid aggravating injury. 

The blood dribbles along purple and yellow limbs, falling to the ground beneath him. The metal digs into the destroy shell, so soft and more like brittle bone than anything. He chokes on a sob. 

Suddenly, Shedder is tossed to the side, Raph’s battle cry finally breaking through the static in Donnie’s ears. However, with the other being thrown, blood gets splattered and the already-torn body only gets even worse treatment. 

Mikey follows behind him, doing his best to help Donnie up from his spot though his own panic. Donnie doesn’t dare question Mikey’s attempt at helping, straightening himself up with a low whimper, suppressing another bout of noises. 

“Where are Dad and Leo,” Mikey whimpers more in question to whoever is listening than actually to Donnie. 

The older turtle doesn’t actually have a reply. His stomach twists, but his attention turns towards Raph, who was now pinned to the ground, albeit Shedder was only using one hand to push down on limbs, practically just toying with the snapping turtle. The middle child ignores his pain, pushing himself off of the other. This isn’t the time to fight, isn’t the time to depend on his warmer siblings to save him in battle. Right now, he needs to help however he can, continue on until he has the chance to leave and make sure April doesn’t die trying to bite off Shedder’s finger. 

“They’ll be back soon,” Donnie says through grit teeth. He knew Leo had some form of scheme, he always did. Sure, he and Leo may fight constantly and Donnie may have rolled with a million more punches than necessary thanks to him, but Donnie knew his twin was up to no good and he never went into something without some form of bullshit plan, even if it’s scrapped together and risky as all hell. 

_ “Donnie-” _ Mikey tries. 

The soft-shelled turtle only charges forward. The blood that’s trailed behind him gets ignored, as well as the numbness that befalls a good portion of his body, replaced with a cold tingle that on the edge between entirely numb and excruciatingly painful. 

-

Donnie tosses the broken battel shell to the side. His shells weren’t just shells anymore and hadn’t been for more than just a bit now. They’re back braces, support, whatever Donnie can transfer them into in an attempt to help fix his back. Nothing was going to help the misaligned vertebrae or anything else that had become an issue for the turtle. He could only survive on so much medication before it became tiresome and pointless. 

His brothers know that. They haven’t talked about it once, but they’ve all seen how rarely he ever takes off his protective layer. His shell doesn’t even look healed entirely, the spiral of scars where skin had healed because resin simply couldn’t exist with a wound so horrid light against the shell, practically seethrough as it shimmered white in reply. Donnie’s avoided letting them see entirely, even April included in that. 

That is, until tonight. He can’t sleep. He never can, always relying on passing out or getting knocked out nowadays. He even tried medication for it The effects differ from each thing and he’s just ran out of the medication that doesn’t give him vivid night terrors. In an act of desperation, he had tried normal melatonin. 

Now, after he’s woken up for the seventh time in two hours, the images of his near-death becoming far more vivid within his mind. 

His hands come up to cups his eyes, a weak whimper leaving his throat. His eyes burn as he forces himself to stand. He needs to get out of the purple-toned room. He’s tired of purple. The purple haunts him for the time, not caring as he discards the shell and even his bandana. He doesn’t want to look at the color he’s come to love so very much, despite his nails being that color and even his skin tinting with the mismatched pale yellow. It makes his teeth hurt with a level of emotions he can’t explain, but that might be because he grinds his teeth every single time he’s seen it tonight. 

He’s still and his scars are rigid as he forces himself to walk forward. His hands wring slowly, flexing in and out as he tries to calm himself, leaving his room as quickly as he can. The turtle’s breath feels too quick to be regular and he’s tired of it as he stalks through the huge home, ignoring the static of his brain that invades everything. 

Well, until there comes the sharp noise of something clattering behind him, making him turn so sharply that he swears his bones pop in protest. He lets out a surprised noise, instinctively putting his hands up to cover his head and top of his shell, ignoring the pain of it all. It fucking  _ hurts _ and it feels painfully similar to the last few times he’s had to defend himself this way. 

A broken whisper comes, though, ait makes his eyes snap upwards.  _ “ _

_ Donnie?...” _

Leo stands there, his voice being the one to chime with Mikey to his left and Raph to his right. Mikey looks helplessly at the scattered paint cans on the floor for just a moment, tears clouding his eyes. Across from him, the oldest has both his arms full of plates of food. His brows are both raised from surprise, worry so plainly written across his face. He doesn’t even want to acknowledge his twins’ expression, eyes so wide and brows knit with instinctual worry. Damn him for knowing their worried faces. 

“Dee,” Mikey mutters in a whimper. He gently raises a hand, skeptical and frowning, though he immediately pulls the limb back towards his body as he sees the other peer at him, red and blue eyes looking up at him with fear in his eyes. 

“Hey,” Raph says in a soft tone, “You okay, Don?” 

The other hesitates, slowly straightening out. Well, straightening as much as he can manage to with his back still in its horrid state. It’s more than just a bit hard not to rely on the wall for support. He usually kept this new tech Bo on him for this sake, using it as a cane as well as he can get away with. “I’m fine,” he murmurs, head slightly ducking. He can’t meet their eyes. 

“Is your shell…” Leo’s voice trails off. He isn’t entirely sure how to continue on. “I mean…” 

“It’s healing, I’m fine,” he reiterates in a soft tone. “What are you three up to?” 

Raph straightens up slightly. “Dad wanted to watch a movie so we were on snacks and all that.” 

He makes a vague gesture at the paint cans on the floor, “The paint, then?” 

“Clearing out the kitchen,” Mikey replies. “We were going to get you for the movies but you were asleep. Do you want to watch something with us?” 

Donnie only nods. He can’t find it in him to say anything. 

A few minutes later, Donnie ends up in a room with his father, the two alone while Leo and Raph move to help Mikey after one of the cans exploded in the hallway. Donnie was thankful Leo had ushered him to sit down instead of following behind them to ensure the youngest turtle actually put his things away. 

The other frowns at him. Donnie doesn’t have to look at his father to feel it, nor to know the worrisome expression that’s gracing his face. He softly asks, “Was that from Shedder?” 

Donnie nods slowly. “While you and Leo were with Big Mama, yes.” He focuses on the ads on television. 

“Purple, I am so sorry. If I would have known-” 

“You’d have what? Tried to fight? Protect me?” His voice isn’t sarcastic, lacking the bite he normally has with his father. “There wasn’t much you could have done against him. April, Mikey, and Raph both did pretty good at it and we all made it out. Sure, I got the worst of it, but we’re alive and, for the time being, Shedder isn’t something we have to worry about.” At least, not for this very moment. The pale softshell doesn’t want to consider a future where he has to, if he’s going to be quite honest. 

“I could have done  _ more.” _

“Not without getting yourself  _ killed. _ I made my sacrifice, you made yours, we  _ all _ did.” He takes up vague gestures as he speaks. His hands move with each word. “We can’t change anything now and I’m content with what I’ve done. I just need to find a solution to this. It's my problem, not yours.” 

“You are my  _ son, _ Purple. Of course, it is my problem.” 

Donnie snorts at that. “It wasn’t your probably when I was a kid and needed extra help because my shell was sensitive.” it had become a reason the invisible barrier between them existed now. “You told me to get over it and that if I couldn’t, it was my problem to figure out.” 

“You did figure it out-” 

“I was  _ four,” _ he snaps, his hands balling as his voice comes out loudly. 

“I was new to being a father then.” 

“You handled Leo and Raph’s anxiety just fine, didn’t you?” His hands make larger gestures before falling back to the smaller ones once more. “And Mikey’s ADHD and being the smallest.” 

“There was so much wrong with you when-” His voice comes to a stop, mouth snapping shut within an instant at realizing his words. 

The teenager staps up with a flinch, his breath feeling like it was in his throat. Before he has the chance to reply, though, the other three turtles burst into the room, all exclaiming their own statements and cheering on the proclaimed movie night. 

It would be a blunt lie to say they didn’t all notice. 

**Author's Note:**

> If I dont watch the ending, I don't have to acknowledge it.
> 
> Please leave likes and comments! If you particularly liked my fic, here's my Discord server!  
> https://discord.gg/eGkwayy


End file.
